Manuscript From A Time Machine
I recently installed a new computer system. Apparently there were some bugs in the attempt to install the Web Browser and connect with Appraisers.org. The result is that I received a lengthy e-mail dated June 20, 2001. It appears to be the text of an interview conducted on that date. Because of its unique content I am forwarding it for your consideration. Remember, you read it here first.
Chuck, I found Fagan. It wasn't easy. But when I called he seemed happy to tell his side of the story, so here it is.
Q: Mr. Fagan, can we start with your business background?
A: Sure. Marketing. Telemarketing.
Q: Did that include Internet commerce and a 900 number service?
A: That was part of it.
Q: Did you leave that business because of allegations and government investigations relating to pornography and prostitution?
A: Hell no. I sold it to the girls. Talk to them. What it was really about was information, Information Systems.
Q: Mr. Fagan, you are the president of EVALUATIONS IS?
A: Right. It was the premier company in the application of artificial intelligence to improve productivity in the appraisal industry.
Q: It is reported that your company appraised property last year with a total value of nine hundred trillion dollars.
A: Oh I think it might have been a bit more than that. Say a round quadrillion. Good number, eh?
Q:Very impressive. And you did this with an appraisal staff of one hundred?
A: Oh it might have been that many.
Q: Well there were about one hundred different appraisers whose electronic signatures were attached to your reports.
A: Yeah we probably had that many at one time or another.
Q: If my math is right that means that each of those hundred did over one hundred appraisals per day for all three hundred and sixty-five days, if the average house value was $250,000.
A: Whatever you say. It's amazing the power of Information Systems to improve productivity, and we had the best.
Q: Is it true that you are under investigation for fraud in connection with the preparation of these appraisals?
A: You know, I think it's just un-American the way I'm being treated. I come up with a better mousetrap, a way to break a roadblock in the lending industry, and all people do is complain. Look at the positive side. Think of the millions of happy customers who got their loans because of EVALUATIONS IS.
Q: One of the contentions of the investigation is that not all of those happy customers were people. It seems some of them were companies.
A: Hey, corporations are legal entities. They have rights. They can get loans.
Q: It seems that a lot of your customers haven't been paying their loans back.
A:Let's get this straight. My customers are the banks. It's their job to do the underwriting. If they get it wrong, they don't get paid back. Maybe they go out of business. That's why there is deposit insurance.
Q: Maybe that is the root of the problem. It seems that deposit insurance is completely broke because of defaults tied to your appraisals.
A: So they don't charge the right premium. Tough luck. Look what happened to Lloyds of London. Uncle Sam will just have to make it good. I'll let that bit pass about how you mention defaults tied to my appraisals. I didn't make the loans.
Q: It is alleged that you might have shared in the loan proceeds.
A: Prove it. Keep this up and you'll be talking to my lawyer.
Q: Well let's try a different area. Some of your appraisers said they only worked for you for a week. In fact most of them say that.
A: Bunch-a-bums. Didn't know how to work, so I fired them.
Q: They say that a lot of appraisals that have their signatures were done after they had been terminated.
A: Maybe. You get an electronic signature in the system and maybe it doesn't get taken out of it right away. Just a clerical error.
Q: Thousands of them?
A: We were a large scale operation.
Q: Oh. It is alleged that many of the properties you appraised didn't fit the descriptions in your reports.
A: Allegations, shmallegations. We based our descriptions on the best public data, confirmed by the borrowers.
Q: But the appraisers who subsequently inspected the properties found major discrepancies.
A: The bums. They're out to get me. They all have job fear. And they oughta. I was puttin' 'em out of business.
Q: Can we talk about some examples?
A: Hell no. We were a large scale operation. Besides, I didn't do any of that stuff. Talk to the guys who signed 'em.
Q: Does the fact that you are involved in defaults that may cost the taxpayers a trillion dollars concern you?
A: Involved? I already told you: NOT. But I am kinda proud of the number. I mean look at how long it took Reagan to add that much to the National Debt. Hey, I mean it's bigger than the S&L bust.
Q: Let's move on. Is this your office?
A: Yeah, you like it?
Q: Quite attractive. But don't you find Cuba an odd place from which to appraise property in the United States?
A: Not at all. It's in the system. Information Systems. You can be anywhere. Want I should show you my server?
Q: Great. But you seem to be telling me that you're not really in the appraisal business anymore.
A: Nah. It's cyclical, and this cycle is busted. Time to move on. That's the problem with them other schmucks, appraisers. Not only inefficient, too dumb to move on when the cycle is against 'em.
Q: So what are you doing these days?
A: A little offshore banking. There's always a demand for banking services where Uncle Sam can't be peeking at your account.
Q: Mr. Fagan, this is quite a place.
A: Yeah, I like it. Nice neighborhood. Class. You know, Bob Vesco has a place right up the road...
This is all that came through...